She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
