I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
