the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
