I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
