Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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