Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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