I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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