I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
