I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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