Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Someone signed my nipple.
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