Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize