you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize