the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
