Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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