How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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