Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
