I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
