hotel room ftw
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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