On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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