Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
