Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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