When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
