and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
