By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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