Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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