this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
