my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
