Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
