Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
