I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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