Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize