I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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