the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
