saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Randomize