Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
