probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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