I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
