The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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