what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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