i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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