I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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