Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He felt like a one man threesome
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
