I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
God, I missed his penis.
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