well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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