he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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