My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
