goodnight i made you a song goodbye
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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