If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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