I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
