Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i love accidental penises.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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