I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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