I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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