God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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