i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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