Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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