you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You are the jesus of drinking
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
