you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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